NEW OFFICE POLICY
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^4 T1 uiMIz?+ Dress Code:
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e^ 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
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+m\j6 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
V S`Z_Xn assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
z,+m[x=/N 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,
[.3sE so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a
Qj!d ^8 raise.
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F O 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
-\,VGudM} therefore you do not need a raise.
zJ_My&~ +Ag#B* Sick Days:
Ar5JP_M`E We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If
Q9q 9<J7j$ you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
+/_!P;I Z@nmjj i Personal Days:
-faw: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
-;S3| Saturdays & Sundays
KM@`YV_"g U%Ol^xl Bathroom Breaks:
y|LXDq4Wj Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
7t+]z) strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three
jaNH](V minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
nFVbQa~ stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second
XSls]o
s offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
@] <DR*< the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture
[)bz6\d[ will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
J$<:/^t )m oo?Q Lunch Break:
#r-j.f}yx * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so
8UjCX[v that they can look healthy.
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[hZg0 * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
}D8 ~^ maintain their average figure.
qT& S * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
U1OLI]P needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
>Lo6='G -fx(H+ Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
k G_&-b positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
3ZT/>a>@ concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
R.^Bxi-UG: insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
bw<~R 2[ and input should be directed elsewhere.
Sm~? zU[k/ 
